Kindness & a Stand Up Freezer

Kindness –
Isn’t it pretty easy to be kind to people who are kind to you? I think so. I think the difficulty with kindness comes when others are less than kind or nice.

I was raised by a wonderful mother. She took me to church, loved me, and spent endless hours encouraging learning, service and more. As a single mom, I saw her support our family and do household chores that a dad would have managed in many two-parent families.

For better or worse, her example instilled in me a sense of responsibility and self-reliance. She also encouraged us to advocate for justice. While those characteristics can be good in some situations they can also be challenging in others.

Justice can be viewed as kind but if not handled correctly, it can be an arrogant approach to “making one’s point”, “having the last word”, or “getting what you deserve.”

I have struggled with the fine balance between the two most of my adult life and have probably been less kind in certain situations than Christ would desire. Well, I had one of those experiences this morning:

If you hadn’t picked up on it yet, I’m an avid ‘yard saler’.
Why? I’m committed to using resources wisely, I love the thrill of the hunt and well, I just like getting out by myself on Saturday mornings when my sister is usually with my kids. The only other activity I can come up with on Saturday mornings at 630 am is the gym and well – no. I also get awesome deals.

This morning, I went to a sale where there was a standup freezer for $30. I could tell it was in great shape, from a good home and would fit perfectly in my garage. I spoke to the owner (who was actually the neighbor of the yard sale hosts) and confirmed that I wanted to buy it but would pay all together once I’d shopped their entire sale. She acknowledged this agreement. When her husband arrived in the driveway, I confirmed this agreement.

I went on to shop for items for sale by the homeowners – nice little boy clothes for my son, a business suit in my size for $5, new designer shoes still in the box for $1, etc.

Time lapse – Less than 5 minutes; Distance traveled – 8 feet:
I was having a nice conversation with the homeowner when I turned around to see the owner of the freezer loading it onto a hand truck. I asked: “Where is the freezer going?” I just sold it.

Gut reaction: “WHAT the @)#$(#*@)$*? You just agreed to sell it to me. That is a tacit agreement – legally binding. You liar. Don’t you stand by your word? What are you teaching your kids?”

Actual response: Thankfully, I didn’t actually say any of those things. I responded with: “Oh, I thought we agreed that I would buy it.” I heard a big sigh from the owner of the home and her other friend. In that moment, I was so thankful for their presence – they reminded me in the next instant my need to be like Christ and that it ISN’T about:
-me getting what I want
-me making a point

In inhaled and walked across the driveway to regroup. Honestly, I was ticked. But with the help of the Lord, I was able to let go of the desire for self-promotion, justice, making my point and getting my way (or even just having the last word). In that moment, I knew it was more important to be an example to the two other women in the driveway – the women I’d been talking with for ~5 minutes.

The freezer made its way on the hand truck to its new owners. I was able to be kind and an example – a light in the world.

When I told my Mom she responded with “You’ll get a better one” and then went on to: "I can’t believe you didn’t explain a tacit agreement and the nature of it – legally binding!" Inside, that is exactly how I’d wanted to respond but instead I let it go. I avoided having the last word. I was kind when someone else wasn’t.

For me, that is the side of kindness that is so much more challenging than giving to the needy, finding ways to help others, etc. Being kind and showing grace in challenging times and with challenging people and letting my selfishness go is more important (and difficult). But for the Grace of God Go I....

Kindness - its a great option! Difficult - yes. Great - yes.

Women and their Words

I remember the sermon I first heard about KTN...Is it Kind, Is it True, Is it Necessary? Sounds simple enough, but is it? Women & their words! We love to talk, don't we? So are we Kind, True and Necessary with our words? I wish I was and I am sure you do, too. Now if my KTN "radar" would just trip inside my head before my mouth started working!

We can't separate the 3 parts of KTN when it comes to our words if we do then here's what we get...

Kind - flattery, telling someone what we think they want to hear, and fake
True - harsh, unhelpful, becomes offensive
Necessary - unneeded information, clatter, clutter, and even annoying

So with all our words that we use as women, my thought is simple yet complex...

No matter what I say is it:
Kind
True
Necessary

If it is NOT all 3...then the KTN "radar" needs to go off and keep it silent!

KTN: Kind, True, Necessary

KIND:
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain

The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. ~Author Unknown

When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her. –Adrienne Rich

Philippians 4:4-8:
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, but prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable –if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about (speak/talk about) such things.”



TRUE:
If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.
-Marcus Aurelius

Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.
–Kahlil Gibron


Truthfulness is the main element of character
-Brian Tracy

What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things.
-Margaret Meade
(I (Sarah) think this is what we as Christian women should strive to not be known as. We should say and do equally. What we say and should be the same. We should/need to walk what we talk.)

Proverbs 21:6 “A fortune made by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a deadly snare”





NECESSARY:
Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
-St. Francis of Assisi


We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. ~Epictetus

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
~Leo Buscaglia

· Proverbs 11:13 “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret”

· Proverbs 31:26 “She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

5 Lessons

Our little pregnant Coley is battling the "morning" sickness this week so please keep her in your prayers. So this means you get me again this week!
My mother-in-law forwarded me this email a few weeks ago. Some of you may have read it or another version of it but they are good reminders on how we treat people and the fit in perfectly with our topic this week - KTN (Kind, True, Necessasry)

Lesson #1 - The Cleaning Lady
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?' Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times.. she was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked ifthe last question would count toward our quiz grade. 'Absolutely,' said the professor.. 'In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.' I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned hername was Dorothy.

Lesson #2 - Pick up in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only myclothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Lesson #3 - Always remember those who serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. 'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked. 'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.' Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. 'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. 'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill onthe table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Lesson #4 - The obstacle in our path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on aroadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Lesson #5 - Giving when it counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking adeep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away?'. Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister ALL of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.

Wow - the people in these examples are perfect examples of Christ! We need to pay better attention to how we treat people and recognize when people are just trying to be nice to us!

A personal example - my husband and I were dining out at a sit-down restaurant when we noticed the group at the next table kept looking at us. We assumed they had a problem with the fact that we are a mixed race couple. We had just finished rolling our eyes at and kicking each other under the table when one of the ladies asked if we had ordered the special combo meal. You see she had a coupon they were not going to use and she wanted to give it to us. They were looking to see if we ordered the meal the coupon was good for. Had we paid better attention, we would have noticed they too had a mixed race couple dining in their group. They were just trying to be nice and we assumed the worst. A very good lesson to be confronted with - we were both ashamed at our original response!!

Hope you all have a great week full of KTN!!

Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me".

Ok...seriously? That has to be the lamest quote ever! I mean who even coined that? They obviously were never the victim of an overzealous playground bully or the butt of someone's cruel joke. As a teacher, I witness first hand every day just how much words really can hurt and the deep wounds that they can cause.

A while back, I was in a workshop where we were introduced to the book "How Full Is Your Bucket" by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton. Don, who is considered the Grandfather of Positive Psychology, spent years studying people's interaction with one another and through this developed the theory of the bucket and the dipper. The premise behind the theory is that we each have an invisible bucket that is emptied or filled depending on what other people say or do to us. When our bucket is full we feel great. It gives us a positive outlook and renewed energy. On the other hand, when our bucket is empty we feel horrible. It saps our energy and makes us feel defeated. The theory goes on to say that we also have an invisible dipper that we can use to either fill or dip from other people's buckets. Each of us has a choice to make every day. We can choose to fill one another's buckets or we can choose to dip from then. This choice ulitmately influences our realtionships, productivity, health and happiness.*
(*How Full Is Your Bucket- Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton Ph.D.)

Carol McCloud took this theory and developed an anti-bullying program for educators that I use in my classroom. It includes a great book that puts the concept of bucket filling into "kid language". At the beginning of the year, I spend time talking with my students about the characteristics of bucket fillers and bucket dippers. Then we create a bulletin board on which each student puts their bucket. Throughout the year the students can fill each other's buckets by leaving positive notes in them. It has worked really well in our classroom and the students enjoy reading the notes that their classmates leave.
















www.bucketfillers101.com
www.bucketfillersforlife.com

So I had to ask myself....am I a bucket filler or a bucket dipper? Do my words build people up or tear them down? My prayer is this..."Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.: Psalm 19:14

KTN - Weapons of mass destruction?

KTN – Kind, True and Necessary. Sounds simple enough right? We are taught as kids – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Everyone has heard of the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) ‘Do unto others and you would have them do unto you’. But how many of us find this hard to follow? Or a better question - how many of us are willing to follow this rule?

When I was a kid my sister and I had a Frenemy – our neighbor Shelly. We befriended her in the summer because she had a pool. But as soon as summer was over she became ‘Fat Shelly’ and we sang ‘Lard Butt’ to her – a very cruel song we made up. (I’m sure you all want to be my friend now!) . Suffice to say, someone wasn’t listening to the story of the Good Samaritan in Sunday School!! It’s sad to say it even carried over to adulthood as it is now a family joke - when we are all together eating we say ‘Wonder what Fat Shelly is doing?” And then in unison we reply, “Eating!!’. We all pretty much assume Shelly is a supermodel now too – serves us right!!

Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? An exclusive clique of girls were called ‘The Plastics’ because they were very fake and very cruel. They were the type of girls who would compliment you to your face and then diss you behind your back. They kept a burn book that listed very unkind, untrue and unnecessary information about their classmates.

We have all been a ‘Plastic’ at some point in our life and I’m sure we have all been a ‘Fat Shelly’ too. In reading the many verses in the Bible on KTN, there was one that stuck out to me. Colossians 4:6 says – ‘Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.’

There are 3 different ways we should use words according to this verse –
1. Words of Grace – How many of us have been personally relieved by His graciousness and yet are slow to extend the same graciousness to others? Read it again, then really answer this question - you might be surprised.
2. Words that are salty – Our speech should be so seasoned by grace that it will not be rejected with aversion. Salt is a peservative, it enhances the flavor of the food and makes us thirsty!
3. Words that are consistent – Our speech should be consistent with the Word of God and the character of Christ. Bottom line, Christ is our best example of how to apply KTN!

Kindness in us meets needs in others.
Not being truthful hurts.
Unnecessary words are weapons.

**Personal note - happy anniversary to my cute husband - Saturday April 4 - 11 years!!**

The Secret Life of the American Teenager?

Well, we were curious. We tuned in... and were left with a truck load of questions.  

Last year, the creator of the long-running television 7th Heaven, debuted a new television program, The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Raising two daughters -- a young teenager and a preteen -- I have been willing to expose them to issues of the world in order to case and point - how they can rely on a loving God in whom they find their worth so, as a  family we checked it out.  I was told the creator was a believer in Jesus Christ and wanted to continue to put strong ethical, family shows on television, so my hopes were high. 

We were all a little numb after the first episode and lasted only three more shows before we called it quits. The show is about a 14-year old girl who at band camp has sex with a more popular and older classmate and discovers she's pregnant.  Many conversations about purity and abstinence were discussed around our coffee table with the prompting of this television show. The conversations were right on as my daughters also felt like the depiction of the Christians on the show were cheesy and filled with comments about how did this girl not realize what would happen.  So, using Amy the main character, the door was open to speak honestly about purity with our daughters. I think case and point examples with much life application will sustain rather than preaching and or giving a laundry list of do's and don't's.

So, the point of my blog entry for moms and dads: 

Be open with your teens. 

Be willing to answer the hard questions with honesty. 

Talk with your teens about God's plan for purity. 

Expose your teens to scenarios to prepare the how to make the right decision.

Instill in your teens that they belong to God. 

My personal theory is that the more the know, the better off they'll be to stand strong, not give into pressure and above all, remain pure before their God. A strong self esteem and discipline grounded in knowing they belong to God and not man, will sustain. 

Here are some ides to promote purity: 

At age 13, some families give their children a purity ring as a reminder of their first love: a true and holy God.  Take time to explain your child is worth more than rubies and gold... but, a precious child of God.

Recently, we had brunch with a friend of my husband's who is raising teenage daughters, they shared how as a father, he has a responsibility to teach his daughters on how they deserve to be treated on a date and how this exercise of 'Daddy Dates' also demonstrates a genuine Father's love which is a model of God's fatherly love for us.

So, our friend has many 'Daddy Dates' but, there is a special one every year where he plans the date, they dress up and enjoy an evening out. This special date is always on his daughter's half birthday.  My husband has 'Daddy Dates' but, now has decided he will set a special date with his daughters to follow this Godly example.

This past summer, Time Magazine had a cover story called The Pursuit of Teen Girl Purity. The article highlighted a Daddy and Daughter ball where the duos take a vow of purity. This ball is similar to a prom and a celebration of purity is the theme. I think this is a fabulous idea! A memorable event to make a memorable vow. 

As explained by the founding family of this purity ball, the Wilson's. the vow of purity is for parents as well as the young girls.  "before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the areas of purity, to practice fidelity, shun pornography and walk with honor through a "culture of chaos" and by doing so, guide my daughter in love.  

Exposing and discussing today's culture of impurity is vital as this culture is everywhere: from Viagra commercials to Internet pop up advertising.

As an educator, I know that parents that are involved in their child's schooling produces high achieving students. So, applying this theory to purity education, I believe teens who know they can be honest and trust their parent's word and examples will stand strong in their personal convictions. As a parent, I have always held tight to the Proverbs promise, Train up a child in the way they should go and even when they are old, they will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6). In promoting God's purity in my teenage daughters, I will train them now, in knowing when they are older... they will persevere and honor their God.

So, my prayer is NO Secret Life for my American Teenagers... just honesty, openness and encouragement to remain pure. 

Purely honest,

Queen ElizaBeth